Oh, boy. I'm in such a confused state of mind. I've taken the day off to try and sort things out. I told my host-mom that I'm staying home because of my cold. Actually, I do have a pretty bad cold, but it's not my main reason for skipping hindi and college. So many things are wearing on me right now: Midge's drug obsession, my Fabian obsesion, my nose piercing, my cold, my period, how much money I spend, the fact that I keep forgeting to buy a hair brush and send that letter to Great-Grandma Tibke, the up-coming district conference, fear of my host-parents catching on to me, fear of my real parents catching on to me,etc... I'll try an go into more detail on some of those.

Midge is smoking way to much. To many cigarettes and to much hash. Both of those things used to be fun, once in a while things for me, Liz, and Midge. Now though, Midge is smoking five or six cigarettes a day and smoking hash at least once a day for like a week and a half, and that goes beyond every once in a while. I talked to her on the phone about my concerns, and she seemed pretty receptive, so maybe I have nothing to worry about. It's not so much that she's doing drugs, it's who she's doing drugs with. She sits on Juhu beach and smokes a chilum (or 2, or 5) with this guy that I really don't trust. I've talked to Liz about it and she agrees. Neither of us are comfortable leaving her alone with them, for fear that one of them will try to take advantage of her while she'd high. The one cool thing about Juhu beach is that this really cool old guy called the Baba (bah-bah) comes and smokes with us. He's like Santa Claus, sort of. He's always smiling and he has a great big beard and he's dressed a bit like a shaman (sp?). Apparently he'd in charge of maintaining the temples on the beach. I wish I spoke more hindi, he seems like he would be a really interesting person to talk to. At least Olly's back from Goa. Now Midge can smoke with him and we won't have to venture on to Juhu beach. Olly is so cool, I think he has a crush on Midge. Normally I wouldn't approve of a 16 year old girl dating a 26 year old man, but in this case I do. He's very kind and genuine and wouldn't try and use Midge because he's a gentleman.

Moving on to my Fabian obsession. I really don't know what's going on with this. It's starting to become more trouble than it might be worth. I still really like him, and Liz says he has feelings for me also, but he doesn't want a girlfriend in India because then I'll go back to the US and he'll return to Mexico and he'll never see me again. That's all very mature and reasonable, but then he met this cheap (but pretty) girl at a club and was considering going out with her just for the , um, benefits. And that's a serious burn for me. Like, Gee! Thanks! I wasn't putting ot enough for you so you hook up with the next slut you meet? That makes me feel great! But then he decided not to go out with her, which is very good. (I love Liz, she's my cunning spy who tells me all this stuff.) But it still kind of hurts that he was considering it. I keep thinking back to the few semi-dates that we've had and remembering how sweet he was, and how funny, and how much fun we had, and wow I sound really corny. Maybe I am corny. Maybe this is all hopeless and I should give up on this relationship. Does that make me a quiter, or does that make me realistic? I don't know.

I bought a really gorgeous diamond nose stud the other day for 3,000 rupees. But now I've discovered that the angles are digging into the outside of my nostril and making painful dents. Now I'm really worried. Are these dents permanent? Did I just spend 3,000 for nothing? Am I going to have to get my nose re-pierced? Who knows? I'll ask Nasheeta tonight.

I've actually had this bloody cold for a week. More than a week in fact. I think the high amounts of stress are preventing my immune system from fighting it off. Or maybe I just need to rest for a day, which is what I'm doing rigt now.

I've sent quite a bit of money recently, so I've decided to cut back as much as possible. Take more buses and fewer rickshaws/cabs. And aybe cut back on the number of meals that I eat out with friends. I need to spend more time with my family anyway, so maybe I should eat dinner at home every once in a while.

I'm a bit worried that either my host-parents or my real parents are ging to figure out that I'm not attending college. It seems like a big waste of time to me. Why should I sit in a room and listen to a woman tell me something I already know in an accent I can't understand? Especially when I'm in a place with so many other things to do. I've decided thatthis is my street-smarts year. When I go back I'll have my book-smarts year. And if CHS decides they don't want to give me credit for this year, that's okay. I'll drop out and get my GED. But I get the feeling that this is one of those things I'm going to regret later.

I really appriciate Olly and the rest of the crew at Al's Tattoo and Piercing Stuio. They're like family to me. Three of them ar brothers: Arun, Olly, and Ajay (their other broter Al runs their other shop.) Then there's Diana the crazy British lady, Moupue (sp?) the cute little piercing chick, and Dilip who never says anything. I love them. Why would we go to college when me, Midge and Liz can chill at the piercing shop? I admittat I havea fantasy about dropping out of high school and coming back to India without Rotary rules so that I could work there. When Diana retires I could become the crazy American lady. I bet Olly would let me stay at his place. Just as friends of course. But if he ends up dating Midge then maybe she'll be there too. Okay, coming out of my fantasy world now.

I miss Desmond. I email him more often that everyone else combined. I even called him a few days ago. And e signed his last email "love desmond." Does that mean friendship love or something more? Am I getting worked up over nothing? And how does this factor into the Fabain affair? Confusion!

I don't know why I do this. I let everything build and build until I feel like I'm going to explode and then I let it all out in one looooooong entry. Phew! Well I do feel better now. Maybe it's because I've organized my thoughts into some kind of format. Dunno, but now my fingers are getting sore so I should do something else.